The Magazine

Hillary, You Can Run, But Please Don't Hide

Ah, so many reasons it would be good to have her in the Senate

Feb 21, 2000, Vol. 5, No. 22 • By P.J. O'ROURKE
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I WANT HILLARY CLINTON to get that New York senatorship -- the one Pat Moynihan had for years until he misplaced it after a long lunch. I'm sending $ 5 to Hillary's campaign fund. Make that $ 10, because she got gouged on the $ 1.7 million house in Chappaqua. Chappaqua? From Whitewater to Castle Grande to Palestinian statehood, Hillary has always been dumb about real estate -- and a lot of other things, and why not? If you think about it, she's just another Suzy Loser with endless man troubles living in public housing at the taxpayer's expense. What's she know? Actually, we can answer this question if we study her television interviews, listen to her speeches, and read her dreadful book and appalling newspaper columns. Ouch! Brain cramps! Never watch a Linda Bloodworth-Thomason video on an empty cerebral cortex.

Fortunately a U.S. Senate seat is open. The Founding Fathers, in their wisdom, devised a method by which our republic can take 100 of its most prominent numbskulls and keep them out of the private sector where they might do actual harm. At any given moment a full five score of America's largest corporations are being spared Paul Wellstone as CEO. This could be the entire secret of America's economic advantage over Western Europe and Japan. Let Hillary loose in the free enterprise system and the New York Stock Exchange winds up like Madison Guaranty Savings and Loan. Our 401(k)s will be invested in Arkansas pea patches.

I also want Hillary elected because this would be a fit punishment for a person who has made a fatuous claim to be a mover and shaker, who believes she is a political colossus and who thinks the earth trembles from her great progressive strides. Into the tar pit of the Senate with you, you soon-to-be-extinct mastodon of PoliSci, you fossil in a pants suit. Let's watch you squeal and bellow as you sink helplessly to the very bottom of the seniority system ooze.

Furthermore, putting Hillary in the Senate keeps Rudolph Giuliani out. Rudy is a cold, angry, vengeful martinet of a man -- exactly the person that we 263 million Americans who don't live in New York City want that town to have as its mayor. Rudy's what New Yorkers have deserved for years. He should stay mayor forever, if not of New York then of some other horrible city. Seattle leaps to mind. Ah, the Nose Ring Leash Law of 2003.

But saving the economy, bugging SoHo twits, and bringing snot-bobbers to heel are mere fringe benefits to a Hillary victory in November.

The real prize is a guaranteed six years of Hillary in high profile public exposure. Consider what this means to Republican fund-raising efforts. That little smirk of hers, that faint suggestion of a self-cherishing pout, is worth $ 30 million a year to the GOP, easy. Here is a woman who can give $ 30 million to fight the good fight without -- literally -- lifting a finger. A small change in the shape of her pie hole and we're rich.

We're rich. And we're smart. Suddenly we're thinking critically again. The theatrical craft, the special effects, the stage business of the New Democrats made us almost forget that liberalism has a plot. Hillary's role is to remind us of the scheme: Liberals plan to take everything and give it to bad actors as a reward for talking crap. Speaking of bad actors, we've lacked a villain. Pickled, lardy Ted won't do. Jeering Ted Kennedy is like making fun of Falstaff at the end of Henry IV: Part II. Lady-Macbeth-in-a-headband, however, will more than suffice. And what's that she's trying to get off her hands? Bill, probably.

Those hands of Hillary's will be busy in any case. Rest assured no mulligatawny of social legislation will be served up in the Senate without Hillary's thumb in the soup bowl. She has ideas about everything -- school vouchers, minimum wage, earned income tax credits, college tuition, Social Security, Medicare, the national debt, and making "a mean tossed salad," to mention just a few of the subjects touched upon during her February 6 campaign kick-off event. Hillary has ideas the way Arkansas has cars on blocks. Ideas are to Hillary what sex is to her husband -- something to be had indiscriminately and often and the results of which -- thank goodness -- go right down the drain. And every time Hillary gets one of these ideas she starts exercising the smugness muscles with which the liberal face is so richly endowed. Her mouth compresses in a suck-purse grimace. Her lips form a simper of sanctity. And then -- oh, man, it's triple cherries on the $ 10 slots! -- treasure just comes tumbling into the laps of the prudent and the wise.

P. J. O'Rourke is a contributing editor to THE WEEKLY STANDARD.