The Magazine

Democrats Are the Bad Guys

A refresher on why it is better to be Republican.

Aug 7, 2000, Vol. 5, No. 44 • By P.J. O'ROURKE
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PERHAPS, midst the enthusiasm of the Republican convention, we stalwart GOP supporters should take a step back from our partisanship and give a moment's thought to the decent, well-meaning, intelligent people who oppose us -- and how there aren't any.

Democrats stink. Consider what they believe -- such as anything Yasser Arafat ever says. And when a mother sacrifices her life in a desperate attempt to free herself and her child from a totalitarian dictatorship, Democrats believe this is a great opportunity to show Fidel Castro's family values. He probably does have family values, of the Democrat type, about abortion for instance. And there is ample indication that Fidel is a big supporter of "Right to Die" legislation.

Democrats believe in killing babies and old people, and, to judge by their various plans to modify American medical care, they believe in killing everybody else, too. Except for murderers -- murderers will get a "time out" and a chance to speak at the graduation ceremony of a prominent liberal arts college.

Assuming that a few of us (who haven't been lucky enough to murder somebody) make it to old age, Democrats believe we should spend those declining years (until Dr. Kevorkian has an appointment opening) in poverty. Democrats believe in the bankrupt Social Security system on the simple and forthright grounds that privatizing the nation's pension fund would give people money. If people have money, what happens to poverty programs? Democrats believe in poverty programs. The more programs, the more poverty. And poor people vote for Democrats.

Being rich is no fair. Democrats believe in fairness. If you're right-handed, that's no fair either. You should chop some fingers off your right hand and sew them on your left. That way your arms will have equality. And Democrats believe in equality -- except equality for minorities. Democrats believe minorities are stupid and helpless (and no fair counting Jews and Orientals as minorities). Democrats believe affirmative action programs are necessary for all minorities except minorities that have yarmulkes or chop sticks; they need quotas to keep too many of them from getting into Berkeley. Otherwise, say Democrats, we'll never have true equality in an America where everyone has the same opportunity -- to be a Democrat.

But although Democrats don't believe that blacks and Hispanics are as good as a Kennedy, Democrats do believe that the rain forest is almost equal to Ted (and not just in how damp and icky it is). Democrats believe trees and rocks and animals on the endangered species list have souls. However, Democrats are not sure the developer who built your ranch house does. Anyway, that developer's kids have no business praying in school. And neither do yours. Democrats believe kids shouldn't pray in school, especially not during moments of silence because silence can lead to thinking and thinking causes people to become Republicans.

Actually, Democrats believe kids shouldn't even be in school, at least not in anything that could properly be called a school -- where children learn to count and read and don't get shot at recess. People who can count too high don't vote for Democrats. Also, without playground gunshot injuries, there might not be sufficient public outcry in support of nationalized medicine. Thus Democrats do not believe in school vouchers.

And yet Democrats do believe in gun control, even though playground gunshot injuries are a proven vote-getter. This is because Democrats believe that gun owners want to keep their guns mostly in case they need to shoot Democrats. It happened in 1861 and it could happen again. Plus NRA PAC money is used for nothing except screwing Democrats. Democrats believe this is something that should happen only literally. Maybe sex education can overcome people's natural repugnance in this matter. Democrats believe in sex education.

But what Democrats believe in most is politics. If you recount Democrat beliefs one by one you'll get a mere random catalogue of insanity. But if you examine Democrat beliefs as a whole, you'll discover an underlying, unified, systematic world view that cannot be treated with psycho-pharmaceuticals, therapeutic chats, or a "long rest" at McClean's. The world still awaits a cure for politics.

Every doctrine and tenet of the Democrats entails an increase in political power and a decrease in the power of conscience, religion, tradition, civil society, the free market, mothers, and (if there are any left around -- in many Democrat strongholds, e.g. Beverly Hills, there aren't) fathers.