Why Thee Wed
A tourist's map for the institution of marriage.
Sep 14, 2009, Vol. 14, No. 48 • By EVE TUSHNET
This new book on marriage and family begins with a bus ad the author spotted in Baltimore, featuring "a smiling couple proclaiming, 'Marriage works.'" He has written a book-length response: Not always, not here.
Andrew J. Cherlin argues that American family life is characterized by two conflicting ideals: an ideal of marriage, and an ideal of "expressive individualism," the belief that developing and expressing oneself should be a primary life goal. So we rush to the altar--a larger percentage of Americans marry than citizens in the other Western nations, and we marry earlier--but we have much greater difficulty sustaining our unions. We marry and divorce and remarry, or live with a series of cohabiting partners, subjecting our children to a revolving door of parents and quasi-parents.
Cherlin writes, "There are more partners in the personal lives of Americans than in the lives of people of any other Western country." The end result is a startling statistic: "[C]hildren born to married parents in the United States were more likely to experience their parents' breakup than were children born to cohabiting parents in Sweden."
Cherlin also notes that Americans have always divorced more--and yet we've also always been especially exhortatory about marriage. While Europeans worried about producing enough babies--a problem which, in 1783, led Frederick the Great to argue that divorce shouldn't be "made too difficult" because unhappily married couples wouldn't have sex whereas happily remarried ones would--Americans worried about divorce.
If these tensions have been part of American life since the colonial period, can we hope to address them? Structural changes--birth control, a volatile economy, a growing reliance on post-secondary education and the accompanying delay of adulthood, and much more--have strengthened preexisting American patterns: "The percentage of children experiencing three or more mother's partners today in the United States is probably higher than in any Western country at any time in the past several centuries," Cherlin reports.
He contends that maybe this isn't so bad. It's "not calamitous," since while experiencing parents' "partnership turnover" does significantly raise children's risks of delinquency, substance abuse, and other social ills, most children who experience lots of parental turnover turn out okay. This is a weird criterion for judging the severity of social problems. One wonders if Cherlin would argue that homophobia isn't such a big deal since most gay teens don't kill themselves.
The actual picture Cherlin paints of life in a "marriage-go-round" household isn't pretty:
[T]he lives of children living in the household can vary greatly: one child may have a devoted nonresident father who sees her regularly, another child who has no contact with her father jealously watches her half sister go away for weekends with her dad, and a third child--from the new partnership--has both of her parents in the household. One child may have health insurance coverage through her father's job and see a pediatrician regularly, while another child has no coverage and sees emergency room doctors only when she is seriously ill. The inequalities among children in the same household can be stark.
Instability, inequality, a sense that adults come and go regardless of the promises they make or the longings of their children: This isn't the apocalypse, but it's not acceptable.
Cherlin's solution is that, instead of just telling young adults to get married, we tell them instead to "slow down"--to focus on maintaining stable child-care arrangements, even if that means a single mom stays single rather than remarrying.
Along with a message change, we should address governmental structures that push mothers too quickly into cohabitation with men who can provide some financial support. Cherlin acknowledges the problems with an expansive welfare state; he suggests that increasing child-support payments might be a more palatable approach.
His focus on stability for children is admirable, but there are at least three problems he doesn't address.