The Magazine

The Unflappables

From the December 25, 1995 issue: The Carlson family's favorite game--Scare the Solicitor.

Dec 25, 1995, Vol. 1, No. 15 • By TUCKER CARLSON
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Editor's Note: We'll be on vacation this week, so I've cobbled together some of my favorite Casuals from Standard's past. Should make for good summer reading. Enjoy.

-JVL

MOST PEOPLE get annoyed when salesmen call during dinner. Not at my house. We love it. A call from somebody hawking burial plots or new long-distance service may interrupt the meal, but it also gives us a chance to play Scare the Solicitor, my family's favorite parlor game. The object is to say something so disturbing, so bizarre, to a telemarketer that he'll never call again, maybe even give up phone sales for good. It's harder than it sounds.

"Hi, Mr. Carlson, this is Brandon Mink, from Merrill Lynch." "Hi." (Voice sounds kind of familiar. Do I know this guy?)

"Mr. Carlson, if you have a second, I'd like to talk to you about some important investment opportunities."

"Well, to tell you the truth, Brandon, I can't. I'm kind of busy. I'm having my other leg amputated in the morning. Got to pack for the hospital." (Pause. Nervous chuckle.)

"You're kidding, right?"

"Unfortunately not." (Did he just ask me if I was kidding?)

"Had the other one taken off last year. Terrible experience. Just when I was getting used to one prosthesis, they're getting me another. I'm not looking forward to it."

"Wow. Sorry. Well, listen, would you have time to talk when you get out?"

"Actually, Brandon, I'm going out of town after I leave the hospital. Headed up to Minnesota for a couple of months. Going to get some experimental therapy, see if I'll ever walk again. I won't be back till March."

"Hmm. Okay. Well, maybe I could call you then. Will you be at this number?"

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