Larry Miller, contributing humorist
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I FORGOT to get my wife a gift for Mother's Day. We, who about to die, salute you.
The kids drew sweet portraits for her and made cards in school that were achingly cute; her sister sent her something nice; my sister sent her something nice. We went to the local International House Of Carbs for breakfast, and even they gave a rose to every mother who walked in. And each time one of these gifts was placed in her hands, she slowly turned her head and looked at me with ice-blue eyes that vibrated with a psychopathic hate. (Did you ever see Peter O'Toole in a movie called "The Night Of The Generals"? Those eyes.)
The thing is, I'm usually very steady on the major gift-giving holidays. (By the way, nevermind the U.S., the U.N., the E.U., and Russia. The really important "quartet" is Valentine's Day, your anniversary, her birthday, and Mother's Day. You think Hamas is tough? Try skipping two of those in a row.)
What can I say? I forgot. I was busy, but that's no excuse. Everyone's busy. And on other occasions, no matter how busy things are, I always manage to at least get to a flower store. Not this time.
Incidentally, here are two quick questions on the world of flowers: What is it with them? And why do women like them so much? Anyone who insists there are no deep, primal differences between the sexes should line up a hundred women and a hundred men, and show them
each a spray of carnations. I'll bet you a year of marriage counseling that 95 of the women will say, "Oh, aren't they lovely?" and 95 of the men will say, "What's your point?" I have nothing against flowers, and I'm glad they make my wife happy, but, aesthetically, I am as moved by gardenias as I am by cinderblocks, which is to say, not at all.
On the other hand, I love going to flower shops to buy things, because the women who work there can spot a husband-in-trouble the instant the little bell over the door tinkles, and he sets one of his cap-toed wing-tips inside the smelly place. I've always found these shop ladies unfailingly helpful (and frequently appealing), and it's because I believe they're always thinking, "Well, at least this one knows he fouled up, and is trying to do the right thing."
It may sound silly, but I've long felt that all stores--flowers, jewelry, china, anything--should be set up not by departments and displays, but by how much a guy has to spend to get out of whatever mess he's in.
Picture it. You walk into Tiffany's or Bloomingdale's and head to a counter that has an out-to-the-street line of well-shod men in their forties checking their watches. But the line moves pretty quickly, because the employee/grief counselors in front would be very good at their jobs.
"Next in line? Yes, sir, how may I help you?"
"Okay. Her parents came to visit, and one of our boys hit the other one, and her mom said that was wrong, and I said I didn't see what the big deal was, and she said, 'I'm sure you don't.' And I thought that was a little snotty, and I said so, and then later my wife said she thought I could've just let it pass, and why do I have to be so self-righteous with her mother? And I thought that was snotty, too."
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