Larry Miller, contributing humorist
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SO WHAT, exactly, did parents do with their children before television?
People have been having kids for a long time, so I know it must have been something. I just don't know what. By the way, when it comes to permissive over-telefication--That's probably not a word, but it sounds like one, doesn't it?--I think my wife and I are in one of the stricter factions.
We never allow it on in the background, like Muzak. That's firm. You do one thing at a time in this house, I say to our kids, which suits their natures anyway, because we have boys, and boys grow into men, and men, as everyone knows, are perfectly incapable of doing two or more things at once, unless you count sexual fantasies as one of the two.
Women, of course, are capable of doing many vital tasks at the same time, which all earthlings took as a given until modern, western civilization began merrily insisting all of us are the same. Many times, growing up, I remember my mother saying, "Your father takes care of the big things in life, like, are the planets still circling the sun. I take care of the little things, like, is the house on fire, or is anyone bleeding."
Anyway, we never, ever leave the TV on as Muzak (which, by the way, is another thing I hate). Who ever decided we all need constant music to fill the background of our lives? Is it supposed to calm us down? If that's the case,
I don't think it's working. It's getting worse, too. What in the world is the point of having CNN in a hotel elevator? We all have bumper-sticker attention-spans, but this is ridiculous. Somehow America has gone from, "You give us 22 minutes, and we'll give you the world" (which is bad enough), to "You give us the ride from the health club back to your room floor, and we'll give you a pointless intrusion."
We don't allow video games in our house, either. I know that's like telling the alcoholic, "Okay, anything in the bar, just no gin." But we don't do video games. Also, we don't allow those kid "Survivor" shows, or the kid "Real World" shows, or anything where the bald junior high principal allows himself to be slimed in a fruitless effort to look like a good sport. As Patton said, "I don't want these boys to like me, I want them to listen to me." Of course, the next thing he probably said was, "Okay, one more 'Sponge Bob'." (Now that I think of it, I've been in several movies as the bald junior high principal who gets slimed. Hmm. I'll have to revisit the thinking on that some day.)
By the way, in my opinion, "Sponge Bob SquarePants" is one of the best and funniest cartoons ever, and good cartoons are great for my kids and great for me. I think "Sponge Bob" is as good as the old Warner Brothers and "Popeye"--the best stuff ever.
Sports are okay, but I must admit I'm not crazy about some of those racy beer commercials. They show too much for the boys, and not enough for me.
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