I'VE SPENT the last two evenings sitting back in tranquil northwestern
Michigan and interrupting two perfect summer nights to painfully dose myself
with several hours of the Democratic National Convention beamed directly
from the podium in all its unfiltered glory to my drooping eyes via C-SPAN.
Both nights, the Democrats struck me as being at their most slippery and
disingenuous best, which of course means their most effective. It all
reminds me of a state-of-the-art Las Vegas magic show. Middle class tax cuts
are called for only to certainly vanish through a hidden trap door once the
election is safely over. A muscular military is loudly demanded only to
transform in a cloud of pink smoke into a Carteresque policy of quick
withdrawal from any war against brutal dictators and terrorist-friendly
states that would require any actual shooting and messy warfare. All this
spectacular needed was a bored White Tiger popping up through the
floorboards and more sequins--although the spacesuit-shiny pantsuit Barbara
Boxer wore during the "You Go Girl!" cavalcade of women senators would make
Elton John deep purple with jealousy.
Still, I must give credit to an illusion well performed. Two strong high
spots stand out so far. First, that everlasting Mandrake Bill Clinton's
crafty masterstroke in posing as a class traitor and bashing Bush tax cuts
for himself and all other wealthy entrepreneurs, whether their new riches
flow from inventing microchips or speaking for hire to dodgy groups and
writing overlong legacy-craving bestsellers. I'm surprised the now
millionaire ex-president didn't brandish his IRS refund check before the
mesmerized crowd, quickly fold it with great flourish into a paper airplane
and fling it deftly across the podium to the sticky fingers of party bagman
Terry McAuliffe as a big finish, but then again he does have all those legal
bills to pay.
The second homerun speech came from Illinois Wunder Candidate Barack Obama's
pitch perfect "They Say Red State Blue State But I Say One America United"
stem-winder. It was the best Democratic keynote speech since Mario Cuomo's
performance in 1984.
Democrat convention planners were wise to dispose of their many tons of
heavy luminary baggage earlier each evening. It was all there, swimming
champion Ted Kennedy's cheap shots at "false patriotism," Jimmy Carter's
swinging his newly Nobelized sanctimony around to clobber the president as
if his peace prize was a pair of numchucks, and finally, one last lectern
pounder from the late Dr. Dean. In a moment of absolute cynicism, Reagan
family Quisling Ron Reagan Jr. was summoned forth to promise sparkling
miracles from stem cell research via a vote for John Kerry. There was also a
very tacky moment, probably seen only to us masochists mainlining the whole
experience via the C-SPAN needle, where a brace-toothed youth for Kerry
moppet was hustled up to the podium to punctuate a tiresome Children are the
Future gurgle with a contrived "Time Out" potshot at Dick Cheney. Attack
Moppets? The DNC hack behind that idea should be put on Ritalin.