A Dictionary of Political Clichés

Published in 1881 as an appendix to his final novel, Bouvard et Pécuchet, Flaubert's Dictionnaire des Idées Reçues--or Dictionary of Accepted Ideas--is a blistering satirical attack on philistinism, bourgeois culture, and literary convention. The author's sharp wit is in evidence throughout. He defines a conservative as a "politician with pot belly," face as the "mirror of the soul. Hence some people's souls must be rather ugly," and optimist as a "synonym for imbecile." Jacques Barzun's English translation, first published by New Directions in 1954, makes for entertaining reading and provides an understanding of the accepted ideas in 19th-century France.

Trouble is, clichés never stop. They really don't. They just keep going and going, like the Energizer Bunny. And there are never more clichés in circulation than during a presidential campaign. So, in the spirit of Flaubert, we spent a couple of days making our own dictionary of clichés. Our list contains terms particular to this campaign, so you won't see definitions of electability or it all comes down to turnout or it's the economy, stupid or right-wing smear machine. The right-wing smear machine is broken and due for repairs anyway.

The Base. Needs to be energized. Requires AA batteries (not included).

Bradley Effect. The only possible explanation for Obama not doing as well as we think he should. Not to be confused with the Butterfly Effect.

Change. We need it. Change was guaranteed to happen this election cycle, of course, as it happens in pretty much every election cycle. But not necessarily for the better. Change comes in both good and bad varieties. For example, change is good when it leads to undivided Democratic control of the United States government. Things worked out perfectly the last time this happened.

Clock. It's probably broken. Politicians, especially those running behind, are always trying to "reset" it.

Community Organizer. Perfect for the busy community. Allows it to schedule picnics, business meetings, doctor appointments, and so forth, as well as keep track of phone numbers and addresses in one easy-to-carry, pocket-sized device. Built-in pedometer optional.

Drill, Baby, Drill. A tool necessary for basic home repairs. Preferably cordless.

Food Security. An issue very important to Mike Huckabee--stop snickering--for all the obvious reasons.

Energy Independence. What the candidates hope to achieve in ten years. Actually, more like twenty. Or maybe twenty-five. Wait--why don't we make it thirty. Forty maybe? How does forty sound to you? Forty-five?

Experience. Unnecessary for presidents; absolutely necessary for vice presidents. Joe Biden, for example, has a tremendous amount of experience in being wrong. He was wrong about the Reagan defense buildup, wrong about the first Gulf war, says he was wrong about the second, and was definitely wrong about the surge. So much experience in being wrong is extremely rare. This is why he would make an excellent vice president.

From Wall Street to Main Street. A distance of seven miles (see map). Take the PATH train.

Game-Changer. The doohickey that lets you flip from the Cowboys-
Buccaneers to Redskins-Lions without having to get up from the Barca-Lounger. Also good for seeing what's on BassMasters. John McCain could sure use one right now.

Guns and Religion. What the bitter denizens of small towns in Pennsylvania and the Midwest cling to. This also includes, according to Barack Obama, "antipathy to people who aren't like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment." Not to be confused with Guns N' Roses.

Heft. What Joe Biden apparently lends--we are not making this up--to the Democratic ticket.

History. As in, "Either way, we're making history." One hears this expression a lot, from many different people, and no doubt about it, those people are right, because, technically, history is what we make every single second.

Joe the Plumber. Shorthand for hardworking American. Other examples: "Tito the Construction Worker," "Al the Shoe-salesman," "Doris the Cafeteria Worker," "Dick the Unemployed Chief Executive," "Annie the Bricklayer," "José the Lettuce-picker," "Matlock the Lawyer," "Jacqui the Thirty-something Occupational Therapist," "Willy the Groundskeeper," etc.

Maverick. Politician who bucks the party establishment in pursuit of reform--and receives absolutely no credit for doing so whatsoever.