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U.S.A. vs. Blagojevich--What the Feds Left Out

A parody.

2:20 PM, Dec 10, 2008 • By MATTHEW CONTINETTI
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On December 9, federal agents arrested Democratic Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich on charges that he had put president-elect Barack Obama's senate seat up for sale--though not on eBay, which probably would have made things a lot easier. The Blagojevich portrayed in the 76-page criminal complaint is, according to the New York Times, a "[d]elusional, narcissistic, vengeful, and profane" man who has been under investigation for years. They're not kidding. By employing the time-honored journalistic skill of making stuff up, THE WEEKLY STANDARD recently obtained unpublished sections of the Blagojevich complaint that, while they do not describe criminal activities, certainly raise doubts about the governor's personal behavior and culinary skills. We reprint them below.

111 a. On or about November 27, 2008, ROD BLAGOJEVICH, his wife and daughters, and BLAGOJEVICH's chief of staff JOHN HARRIS ate Thanksgiving dinner together. BLAGOJEVICH's wife asked BLAGOJEVICH to "please pass the potatoes." BLAGOJEVICH asked what his wife was willing to give him for "the f---ing potatoes" because "these f---ing things aren't f---ing cheap." HARRIS said that BLAGOJEVICH's wife might donate $250,000 to Friends of Blagojevich in exchange for the potatoes. BLAGOJEVICH's wife said she thought that was a high price for a spoonful of mashed potatoes and asked BLAGOJEVICH to carve the turkey instead. BLAGOJEVICH said "What am I, your f---ing butler?" and reminded her that "I don't f---ing work for free." HARRIS asked BLAGOJEVICH to consider carving the turkey in exchange for a helping of BLAGOJEVICH's wife's cranberry sauce. BLAGOJEVICH said he "hated f---ing cranberry sauce, you stupid f--k," and reminded his wife that the "only reason we have this f---ing turkey in the first place" was because Senate Candidate 5 had personally delivered it to the BLAGOJEVICH residence that morning. BLAGOJEVICH's wife said BLAGOJEVICH could take Senate Candidate 5's turkey and "shove it up your a--." BLAGOJEVICH said she could have the turkey "but if you feel like you can do this and not f---ing give me anything, then I'll f---ing go." HARRIS volunteered to carve the turkey if BLAGOJEVICH did not want to and the group returned to eating in silence.

148 e. On December 4, 2008, BLAGOJEVICH spoke to Adviser A. Adviser A said that Senate Candidate 5 had offered to pay for BLAGOJEVICH's criminal defense attorney as well as buy BLAGOJEVICH a new espresso maker in exchange for the President-elect's Senate seat. BLAGOJEVICH asked Adviser A what type of espresso maker Senate Candidate 5 was prepared to buy. Adviser A said he did not know what type of espresso maker Senate Candidate 5 was prepared to buy but that he was scheduled to play golf with Senate Candidate 5 that afternoon and could ask him then. BLAGOJEVICH said he would consider the offer only if Senate Candidate 5 was prepared to buy the Rancilio Silvio espresso maker because "all the other f---ing machines are a bunch of s--t" compared with the Rancilio Silvio. Adviser A said he would see what he could do about the espresso maker. BLAGOJEVICH said he had a call on the other line. BLAGOJEVICH switched lines and spoke to Neighbor 4. Neighbor 4 informed BLAGOJEVICH that his family was leaving town for the weekend and "could you please pick up the paper for us while we're gone?" BLAGOJEVICH said he would have his daughters pick up Neighbor 4's mail if Neighbor 4 agreed to cut down the tree in Neighbor 4's front yard because "it's a really f---ing ugly tree." Neighbor 4 said he didn't think the tree was ugly at all. BLAGOJEVICH said Neighbor 4 was "out of his f---ing mind" if he thought that way and could " f---ing pick up his own f---ing mail." BLAGOJEVICH told Neighbor 4 to "hang on for a second" because he had a call on the other line. BLAGOJEVICH switched lines and asked if Adviser A was still there. Neighbor 4 said no, it was he who was on the line. BLAGOJEVICH told Neighbor 4 to wait, he would try again. BLAGOJEVICH switched lines but all he got was a dial tone. BLAGOJEVICH said "when did these things become so f---ing complicated?" to himself and hung up.