On December 9, federal agents arrested Democratic Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich on charges that he had put president-elect Barack Obama's senate seat up for sale--though not on eBay, which probably would have made things a lot easier. The Blagojevich portrayed in the 76-page criminal complaint is, according to the New York Times, a "[d]elusional, narcissistic, vengeful, and profane" man who has been under investigation for years. They're not kidding. By employing the time-honored journalistic skill of making stuff up, THE WEEKLY STANDARD recently obtained unpublished sections of the Blagojevich complaint that, while they do not describe criminal activities, certainly raise doubts about the governor's personal behavior and culinary skills. We reprint them below.
111 a. On or about November 27, 2008, ROD BLAGOJEVICH, his wife and daughters, and BLAGOJEVICH's chief of staff JOHN HARRIS ate Thanksgiving dinner together. BLAGOJEVICH's wife asked BLAGOJEVICH to "please pass the potatoes." BLAGOJEVICH asked what his wife was willing to give him for "the f---ing potatoes" because "these f---ing things aren't f---ing cheap." HARRIS said that BLAGOJEVICH's wife might donate $250,000 to Friends of Blagojevich in exchange for the potatoes. BLAGOJEVICH's wife said she thought that was a high price for a spoonful of mashed potatoes and asked BLAGOJEVICH to carve the turkey instead. BLAGOJEVICH said "What am I, your f---ing butler?" and reminded her that "I don't f---ing work for free." HARRIS asked BLAGOJEVICH to consider carving the turkey in exchange for a helping of BLAGOJEVICH's wife's cranberry sauce. BLAGOJEVICH said he "hated f---ing cranberry sauce, you stupid f--k," and reminded his wife that the "only reason we have this f---ing turkey in the first place" was because Senate Candidate 5 had personally delivered it to the BLAGOJEVICH residence that morning. BLAGOJEVICH's wife said BLAGOJEVICH could take Senate Candidate 5's turkey and "shove it up your a--." BLAGOJEVICH said she could have the turkey "but if you feel like you can do this and not f---ing give me anything, then I'll f---ing go." HARRIS volunteered to carve the turkey if BLAGOJEVICH did not want to and the group returned to eating in silence.
148 e. On December 4, 2008, BLAGOJEVICH spoke to Adviser A. Adviser A said that Senate Candidate 5 had offered to pay for BLAGOJEVICH's criminal defense attorney as well as buy BLAGOJEVICH a new espresso maker in exchange for the President-elect's Senate seat. BLAGOJEVICH asked Adviser A what type of espresso maker Senate Candidate 5 was prepared to buy. Adviser A said he did not know what type of espresso maker Senate Candidate 5 was prepared to buy but that he was scheduled to play golf with Senate Candidate 5 that afternoon and could ask him then. BLAGOJEVICH said he would consider the offer only if Senate Candidate 5 was prepared to buy the Rancilio Silvio espresso maker because "all the other f---ing machines are a bunch of s--t" compared with the Rancilio Silvio. Adviser A said he would see what he could do about the espresso maker. BLAGOJEVICH said he had a call on the other line. BLAGOJEVICH switched lines and spoke to Neighbor 4. Neighbor 4 informed BLAGOJEVICH that his family was leaving town for the weekend and "could you please pick up the paper for us while we're gone?" BLAGOJEVICH said he would have his daughters pick up Neighbor 4's mail if Neighbor 4 agreed to cut down the tree in Neighbor 4's front yard because "it's a really f---ing ugly tree." Neighbor 4 said he didn't think the tree was ugly at all. BLAGOJEVICH said Neighbor 4 was "out of his f---ing mind" if he thought that way and could " f---ing pick up his own f---ing mail." BLAGOJEVICH told Neighbor 4 to "hang on for a second" because he had a call on the other line. BLAGOJEVICH switched lines and asked if Adviser A was still there. Neighbor 4 said no, it was he who was on the line. BLAGOJEVICH told Neighbor 4 to wait, he would try again. BLAGOJEVICH switched lines but all he got was a dial tone. BLAGOJEVICH said "when did these things become so f---ing complicated?" to himself and hung up.
157 x. Later on December 6, BLAGOJEVICH was saying goodnight to his daughters when Daughter A asked BLAGOJEVICH to tell them a bedtime story. BLAGOJEVICH said "Sure, sweetie," but that in exchange for the bedtime story Daughter A and Daughter B would have to make their beds in the morning and spend the next two weeks canvassing neighborhoods in the South Side of Chicago for Friends of Blagojevich. The daughters agreed and BLAGOJEVICH asked them what story they would like to hear that night. Daughter B said she would like to hear the story of Jack and the Beanstalk. BLAGOJEVICH reminded his daughters that the story would have to be short because he had a phone call scheduled for later that evening with the presidents of the SEIU and Change to Win coalition. Daughter B said that would not be a problem. BLAGOJEVICH said, "Okay, so once upon a time there was a lady who was really poor." The lady, BLAGOJEVICH went on, had an only son whose name was Jack. The old lady and Jack lived with a cow. Daughter A asked BLAGOJEVICH what the name of the cow who lived with the old lady and Jack was. BLAGOJEVICH said the cow's name was "Milky f---ing White" and that Daughter A ought to be quiet so BLAGOJEVICH could finish the story. BLAGOJEVICH said that one morning Milky White gave no milk and that the old lady and Jack did not know "what the f--k to do" so they decided to sell Milky White at the market. Jack and Milky White were on the way to the market when they encountered "this really strange lookin' homeless guy" who offered to buy Milky White. Jack said he would sell Milky White at the price of "$1.5 million and a seat on the board" of Citigroup. The old man offered to give Jack five magic beans for Milky White. Jack said "are you f---ing kidding me?" and told the old man to "get out of my f---ing way." The old man said "Hold the f--k up, these are magic beans" and that if Jack planted them in the ground they would grow all the way to the sky. Jack accepted the beans in the hopes that he could resell them in exchange for a $5,000 contribution to Friends of Jack. At that point BLAGOJEVICH paused and noticed that his daughters had fallen asleep. He kissed them goodnight. He went downstairs to place his phone call.
Matthew Continetti is associate editor at THE WEEKLY STANDARD.