If you are a heroin addict in New York, and you want to learn how to shoot up “safely,” there’s a free flier, “Take Charge, Take Care,” produced on the taxpayers’ dime by the health department of the City of New York that will come in handy. Tip #6: Take Care of Your Veins:

  • Shoot correctly to avoid infection and collapsed veins.
  • Don’t blunt your needle by poking a hole in your sterile water container.
  • Warm your body (jump up and down) to show your veins.
  • Find the vein before you try to inject. Tie off to make your veins visible.
  • Don’t “dig” for veins. If you don’t “register,” pull out and try again.
  • Don’t always inject in the same spot.
  • Only “boot” once or twice in one shot.

If you are an atheist incarcerated for raping up to 40 women in Manchester, England, and your cellmate is a Christian who won’t “shut up about God,” you can get him transferred to another cell by demanding to speak to a lawyer about your rights.

And, if you are a little boy traveling with your family on the way home from visiting your grandmother, you’d best keep your own counsels or the TSA could profile you and confiscate your Play-Doh.

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