The following is a transcript of a conversation in the Oval Office passed to me simultaneously by the German, French, and British intelligence services, along with copies of their governments' complaints about the immorality of American spying on its allies.
Rice: Mr. President, I have some bad news.
POTUS: They haven’t canceled all my fundraisers set for tomorrow, have they?
Rice: Nothing that serious, but bad enough.
POTUS: What then. Spit it out, I have a golf date in 10 minutes.
Rice: The Mexicans have started massing troops on the Texas border, and providing arms to a group of illegal immigrants.
Rice: They say that we illegally annexed Texas and they plan to take it back as part of the New Mexico.
POTUS: New Mexico? Why would anyone want that?
Rice: Not our state, Mr. President, the New Mexico nation, with all the territory we stole from them reunited with the current Mexican state.
POTUS. If that’s what they want, can we accommodate them by ceding a few thousands of acres?
Rice: No, Mr. President. They want it all and they also want to move their troops in to protect the Hispanics living in our country. They say we are abusing them.
POTUS: Ridiculous. Haven’t I made it unnecessary for them to build tunnels to get here: all they have to do is wade across a river and they’re here, probably for good. Didn’t I grant millions an amnesty? Don’t we provide many of them with benefits? Haven’t we printed all government documents in Spanish as well as English? Don’t we hold back our own students so that Hispanic kids who don’t speak English can catch up? What more do they want?
Rice: They want you to make them all citizens, and now.
POTUS: I would love to – that would give us permanent control of both houses and the White House. And the attorney general is doing all he can to prevent states from demanding identification from Hispanic voters. But I don’t have the power to do make all the illegals – oops, undocumented – Mexicans in this country citizens.
Rice: President Peña says you have a pen and a telephone, and have used them to change laws passed by Congress and even the Constitution. So use your pen.
POTUS: I will give that some thought.
Rice: Please be quick about it. El Presidente says you have 24 hours before he starts launching rockets into Texas and California.
POTUS: He’s crazy. Our Iron Dome system will shoot them down.
Rice: We don’t have any such system. And the Israelis can’t help because the Senate voted against a bill that would have waived the coming mid-terms, to which you had Harry attach authorization for funding to resupply the Israelis. So they mothballed their system and are relying on ground troops to take out the launchers.
POTUS: Can we borrow the missile defense system we lent the Czechs and the Poles?
Rice: I am afraid not. You canceled that as part of the reset with your pal Valdimir.
POTUS: So what can we do – and be quick about it. I’m already late for my golf date this morning, and then for some hoops with those great NBA stars who always let me win.
Rice: We can secure the border for starters.
POTUS: And give in to those Republicans? Never. Besides, I have said dozens of times, and Harry just repeated, the border is already secure. Why don’t we use sanctions: tell President Peña that he can’t use his credit card in Miami any more.
Rice: I tried that, but he told me that he can shop on Amazon and get free shipping. Perhaps we can ask the UN to step in.
POTUS: That won’t do any good. Vladimir would veto anything that would help us. He just hasn’t yet grasped the value to him of my reset. But history has a long arc – make a note of that – and he will come around sooner or later.
Rice: Well, Cuba and Venezuela have offered to represent the international community and arbitrate the dispute.
POTUS: That’s a great idea. Let’s propose a seven-day truce while the Cuban-Venezuelan commission hires hotel space in Geneva or Paris.
Rice: A truce would be difficult. The drug cartels have said they won’t go along with any securing of the border for that long unless we promise that during that period we will allow a free, unimpeded flow of drugs across our border so that they can re-stock their warehouses and use the time to re-establish some of the distribution channels we have disrupted.
POTUS: Your time is up. I don’t see that we have any compelling national interest here. By “here” I mean here in Washington. We have nothing to lose and a lot to gain if Mexico takes back Texas, a faraway land about which we know very little. So have Kerry make a deal, but we keep California. I will issue an executive order granting all illegal, oops, undocumented immigrants citizenship in time for them to vote in the mid-terms. And then go on the Sunday talk shows to say that I never drew a red line for Mexico so they didn’t cross it. And tell Samantha to present this as consistent with my policy of apologizing for past sins we have committed by returning to Mexico lands we stole from them, just as we persuaded Ukraine to return to Russia lands that were once part of the Soviet Union. I suppose next I will have to deal with the French, who are making noises that Jefferson committed the crime of buying Louisiana on the cheap and they now want us to apologize and make up the difference between ole’ Tom’s price and current value. I tried apologizing and offering to use my pen to stop our wineries from calling their bubbly “Champagne,” but Hollande wasn’t satisfied. Now I must be off. Let’s talk again next month when I get back from my fund-raising tour.