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How Do You Feel?

The interrogative mysteries of Deep Space.

Mar 10, 2014, Vol. 19, No. 25 • By JOE QUEENAN
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“That’s all we’ve been able to track so far,” says a somewhat dejected Mitch Collins, the Astrolabe Institute’s executive director. “We can’t pick up anything from the sports broadcasts themselves, and nothing from the rest of the planet. All we’re getting are these generic postgame interviews.”

But doesn’t this, at least, prove that there is life on other planets?

“No,” says a disconsolate Collins. “We think the creature conducting these interviews might be some sort of extraterrestrial parrot, simulating postgame interviews he heard while he was listening in to broadcasts from Earth. Another thing: We now have reason to believe that he’s playing both roles in the interview. The creature we’ve been listening in on, whether android, bird of prey, or humanoid, is a loner from Deep Space who has somehow, for whatever reason, transformed himself into a sideline reporter. He probably doesn’t even know what he’s saying. We’re also pretty certain that the sideline reporter this creature is mimicking probably worked on Monday Night Football, and perhaps covered the Sochi Olympics.”

Does this mean there is no intelligent life in Outer Space? “It doesn’t mean that there’s none,” says Collins, mulling over the question carefully. “But there’s certainly not a whole lot.”

Joe Queenan is the author, most recently, of One for the Books

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