The Magazine

Keep It Simple

’Tis the gift, if you follow these suggestions.

Nov 25, 2013, Vol. 19, No. 11 • By JOE QUEENAN
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6. Shave your head. This one is obvious. Man or woman, young or old, a shaved head cuts down massively on grooming time, reduces tonsorial bills, and scares away peddlers and fundraisers. Sure, it looks stupid, but it streamlines everything. People will think you’re undergoing chemo or running a meth lab or rehearsing for the Thousand-Year Reich’s big comeback. Whatever the explanation for the new look, people will keep their distance.

7. Focus on one of your kids and ignore the others. Fess up: Everyone has one golden child who is absolutely great, while the rest of the brood are mutts, clowns, born losers. Freeze out the runts, dopes, and ne’er-do-wells, and concentrate your cash and energy and nurturing skills on the one kid who’s most likely to make it big and take care of you in your dotage. For best results, avoid third-born children. Those punks always have attitudes.

Joe Queenan is the author, most recently, of One for the Books

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