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Kennedy Update

Sep 8, 2014, Vol. 19, No. 48 • By THE SCRAPBOOK
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In the event of nuclear war, only three things are expected to survive—cockroaches, Twinkies, and the political ambitions of the Kennedy family. 

Kennedy

William Kennedy Smith

NEWSCOM

With the announcement that William Kennedy Smith is running for local office in Washington, D.C., it’s becoming apparent that something needs to be done to stop Zombie Camelot once and for all. 

It’s been long enough that perhaps a William Kennedy Smith refresher is in order. On Good Friday in 1991, William Kennedy Smith was out carousing in Palm Beach with Uncle Ted and his cousin and future congressman Patrick Kennedy. Smith picked up a girl at a bar, and the foursome went back to the local Kennedy house. Smith and the girl went for a walk on the beach, where the woman says he raped her. The ensuing trial—which happened three years before O. J. got his day in court—-received round-the-clock media attention and helped make cable news the cesspool that it is today. Though two other women came forward and said they had also been raped by Smith, their testimony was not allowed, and he was acquitted. Besides, with character witnesses like Uncle Ted—who just a few years prior had been caught on the floor of a D.C. restaurant engaging in the type of congress they don’t show on C-SPAN—it would be hard not to credit the Kennedy family’s well-known reputation for chivalry. 

A good many people still have a dim recollection of the Palm Beach saga, but few people have followed Smith’s exploits since then. After graduating from Georgetown medical school, he spent years trying to rehab his image by working with various charities. Other notable career highlights include settling sexual harassment lawsuits with two different employees, one of whom was very pregnant. Smith’s excitement over her, uh, condition is detailed in an excruciatingly icky 40-page legal complaint. Today, Smith owns a medical software company and lives—where else?—in the Watergate. 

But the family business beckons! Smith is now running for Advisory Neighborhood Commission seat 2A04, “representing a sliver of Washington’s Foggy Bottom area that includes the Watergate complex and, yes, the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts,” according to the Washington Post. He’s one of two people who are vying for the position in the November election, and, tellingly, his name will be listed on the ballot in its streamlined version, “William K. Smith.”

As a general rule, if you’re ever thinking about voting for a Kennedy, The Scrapbook would suggest reevaluating your major life choices to determine where it all went wrong. It’s a cliché to say someone shouldn’t be elected dog catcher, but in the case of Smith we’d be concerned for the dogs. It may seem that William Kennedy Smith is running for something inconsequential in the Advisory Neighborhood Commission, but you can never be too careful when it comes to the Kennedys.

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