Oh, By the Way. . .

Have you noticed that whenever a newspaper columnist uses the phrase “full disclosure,” it’s primarily for purposes of self-aggrandizement?

In an article that’s supposed to be about an exciting new app for the Droid, or our disastrous policy in Pakistan, the author will slip in a “full disclosure” that is always a backhanded way of saying that his wife just won the Nobel Prize for physics, or that her cousin Ashley singlehandedly put Bernie Madoff in jail, or that the columnist’s brother-in-law once struck out Barry Bonds four times running. In an article that is ostensibly about the death of a famous musician, or the discovery of a new planet, or the announcement of a bold new White House initiative, the journalist will slip in a comment, supposedly for purposes of full disclosure, that informs the reader:

Full disclosure: I once took piano lessons with the deceased. He said I could be the next Chopin. Or at least the next Van Cliburn.

Full disclosure: My wife has already discovered eight planets. Eight.

Full disclosure: I went to prep school with Barack Obama and once dunked on him. Actually, twice.

Thus, full disclosure doesn’t mean that the author is taking pains to reveal that his comments may be colored by a friendship. It’s a way of telling the reader: I totally rock. I get to ask the president of the United States really important questions. I get to marry a super-high-powered publicist. Don’t you wish you were as well connected as me? Don’t you? You pathetic loser.