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The Clinton-Netanyahu Transcript

A Parody.

12:00 PM, Mar 19, 2010
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“Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton rebuked Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu on Friday about the state of the U.S.-Israeli relationship, demanding that Israel take immediate steps to show it is interested in renewing efforts to achieve a Middle East peace agreement.

The Clinton-Netanyahu Transcript

“State Department spokesman P.J. Crowley described the nearly 45-minute phone conversation in unusually undiplomatic terms, signaling that the close allies are facing their deepest crisis in two decades after the embarrassment suffered by Vice President Biden this week when Israel announced during his visit that it plans to build 1,600 housing units in a disputed area of Jerusalem.”

Washington Post, March 13, 2010


 Office of the Prime Minister of the State of Israel
 3 Kaplan Street
 Jerusalem

  
March 12, 2010  
  
telephone transcript (continued):
  
...a vice president who won’t even come out of his room! He says it’s the most embarrassed he’s been since he hosted a Ramadan conference with an all-you-can-eat lunch buffet!
  
NETANYAHU: Madam Secretary, please calm down. I understand you are very angry.
  
SEC. CLINTON: Angry? Believe me, Bibi, you haven’t seen angry—you don’t want to see me when I’m angry.
  
NETANYAHU: Oh dear. Please excuse me Madam Secretary. I need to take this other call—just hold on a second and I’ll get rid of him.
  
NETANYAHU: Hello, this is Bibi.
  
FMR. PRES. CLINTON: Hey Bibi! It’s Bill Clinton. Shalom!
  
NETANYAHU: Hello Bill. Now’s not a really good time.
  
FMR. PRES. CLINTON: I know. That’s why I’m calling. Heard my wife’s giving it to you big time. Just don’t make her angry—you don’t want to see her when she’s angry.
  
NETANYAHU: What can I do to calm her down?
  
FMR. PRES. CLINTON: Oh, lots of things. Diamonds, for starters. The ladies love diamonds. Also pantsuits, and—
  
NETANYAHU: I mean right now on the phone. What can I say?
  
FMR. PRES. CLINTON: Well, the first thing you want to say is ‘It’s not what it looks like.’ Also tell her that scent she smells on you is your new cologne—she might think it’s perfume but tell her it’s not. It’s … metrosexual. (Oh that’s good. I gotta write that one down.) If that doesn’t work, tell her you only did it because you didn’t think she loved you ‘in that way’ anymore. It was strictly physical. And if that doesn’t work, say, ‘I am so sorry.’ Then tell her it will never happen again and just to be safe, you’re checking yourself into a clinic. Me, I went to the Boston Medical Group and came back with amazing results.
  
NETANYAHU: Okay, I get the picture, thanks. But why is the conference-call light on instead of call-waiting?
  
SEC. CLINTON: Because you are an id—

FMR. PRES. CLINTON: Now Hillary, before you say a word, let me just say it’s not what it looks like. Bibi called me. And it will never happen again…. I am so...

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