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A Conversation Between the President and Susan Rice

A Parody.

1:57 PM, Jul 28, 2014 • By IRWIN M. STELZER
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Rice: A truce would be difficult. The drug cartels have said they won’t go along with any securing of the border for that long unless we promise that during that period we will allow a free, unimpeded flow of drugs across our border so that they can re-stock their warehouses and use the time to re-establish some of the distribution channels we have disrupted.

POTUS: Your time is up. I don’t see that we have any compelling national interest here. By “here” I mean here in Washington. We have nothing to lose and a lot to gain if Mexico takes back Texas, a faraway land about which we know very little. So have Kerry make a deal, but we keep California. I will issue an executive order granting all illegal, oops, undocumented immigrants citizenship in time for them to vote in the mid-terms. And then go on the Sunday talk shows to say that I never drew a red line for Mexico so they didn’t cross it. And tell Samantha to present this as consistent with my policy of apologizing for past sins we have committed by returning to Mexico lands we stole from them, just as we persuaded Ukraine to return to Russia lands that were once part of the Soviet Union. I suppose next I will have to deal with the French, who are making noises that  Jefferson committed the crime of buying Louisiana on the cheap and they now want us to apologize and make up the difference between ole’ Tom’s price and current value. I tried apologizing and offering to use my pen to stop our wineries from calling their bubbly “Champagne,” but Hollande wasn’t satisfied. Now I must be off. Let’s talk again next month when I get back from my fund-raising tour.

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