Suburban

I recently returned from my first visit to Las Vegas, and naturally I was charmed by the various location-themed resorts: New York, New York; Paris, Las Vegas; The Venetian; and many more, with their outlandish designs and so-tacky-it’s-good approach to décor and entertainment. Yet I couldn’t help but wonder: Why not a hotel devoted to my kind of hometown? After all, if travelers enjoy the security of lunching at McDonalds in the shadow of the Pyramids or patronizing the Hard Rock Café in Beirut, surely they’ll enjoy my proposal: the Suburban.

Here’s my pitch:

When you check in at the Suburban Resort and Casino, you will discover that our sprawling, off-the-Strip location offers all the familiar comforts of home, including the chance to drive on our own internal freeway from the lobby to all our attractions and your very own room, which has its very own lawn, which we do ask you to mow weekly.

At the Suburban, we don’t like to say that you rent your room. With us, you “mortgage” it, and right now we have some very good deals with variable interest rates that are sure to stay low, and with no credit check required! Similarly, the cash advances in our casino are what we call “second mortgages.”

Even better, not only will you receive a key to your room at hotel registration, you'll also receive a key to your own complementary vehicle. Depending on which package you mortgage, your car can range from a Ford Focus all the way up to a Lexus SUV. Book now, however, as the gas prices at our onsite service station can be unpredictable—though the fuel always can be conveniently charged to your room.

Make sure you check in early, too. Our lobby, which we call "The DMV," gets very busy, especially on Mondays and Fridays. Take a number and grab a seat!

And why trek over to the famous Bellagio Fountains or Treasure Island’s Pirate Show when you can enjoy our version, the Suburban’s famous Traffic Jamz? That’s right: Every fifteen minutes, morning and evening, traffic on our own internal freeway system grinds to a complete halt, as our guests are treated to a delightful medley of Frank Sinatra and Lee Greenwood piped through their complementary car stereos.

And the fun doesn’t stop there! Like all Las Vegas resorts, the Suburban has an extensive set of in-house restaurants and clubs, with variety to please every taste. For the foodies out there, don’t miss our celebrity chef establishments, like Wolfgang Puck’s Ruby Tuesdays and José Andrés’s Chiles (try the tapas baby back ribs—they’re to die for).

We haven’t neglected the nightclub scene either, with our corporate sponsors pitching in with decoration and themes. Club Home Depot and the Sam's Club will change the way you think about partying, not to mention shopping in bulk. However, we at the Suburban do caution our guests: As the distances between our rooms (or “dream homes,” as we call them) and attractions are not walkable, you will need to employ your complementary vehicles to get around, depositing them safely in one of our 28 convenient parking lots. So we do ask that you nominate a designated driver if a little imbibing is in your plans. And look out for our police checkpoints, where the Suburban’s exclusive security officers administer some thorough sobriety tests. It’s all part of the experience!

The Suburban’s casino is naturally the centerpiece of our resort, and with its unique design as an enormous strip mall anchored by a Safeway and a CVS—it is a sight to behold. Our most innovative feature only adds to the excitement: From the moment you get your chips, our patented Rate of Inflation Gambling Experience ensures that their value steadily drops, no matter how much you win. Better gamble quickly—we don't want you to miss that next mortgage payment on your VIP dream home!

Finally, what would your stay at the Suburban be without some small children to care for? For our guests unable to bring their own, we offer rentable youngsters of any age for only a small additional fee. Due to labor costs, of course, all of our children are currently here on work visas from China, but we're sure you'll treasure each moment with little Wang Wei and Cheng-Bao.

Nor should we hesitate to acknowledge how helpful the People’s Republic has been in getting our resort off the ground. It’s not only our adorable rentable children. Our extensive network of freeways, McMansion-themed dream homes, and other attractions require a great deal of capital to build and maintain. That’s why we’re funding The Suburban through a generous loan from a consortium of Chinese banks. After all: Since when were thousands of acres on the outskirts of Las Vegas a bad investment?