In Which H'wood Obliges Conservatives By Aggressively Fulfilling Every Stereotype of the Morally Unmoored Entertainment Industry Where Oscar-Winning Rapists are Defensible

Do you ever wonder if maybe the arrest of Roman Polanksi was just another clever scheme cooked up by James O'Keefe, Hannah Giles, and Andrew Breitbart to prove the long-held belief of conservatives that Hollywood is indeed a den of iniquity and moral decrepitude, which would leap en masse to a fugitive child rapist's defense on the grounds that he made some really awesome movies?

At this point, so many Hollywood denizens have come out in defense of Polanksi that it is exceedingly odd and, therefore, oddly commendable, to speak out against the fugitive child rapist (handy nickname for Polanski borrowed from Kate Harding). Actress Kirstie Alley's Twitter feed is a stream of righteousness, but she is almost entirely alone among her Hollywood peers in this sentiment:

JUST FOR THE RECORD....RAPE IS RAPE...this is one HOLLYWOOD STAR who does not CELEBRATE or DEFEND Roman Polanski..his ART did not RAPE her

She goes on to explain that exempting a man from punishment for rape because he fled the law for the cozy confines of European high society, where he continued to make award-winning movies, might just send the wrong message to her teenage daughter (or any person) about whether rape is always wrong.

The distinction between "rape" and "rape-rape" escapes Kirstie Alley, as it does any reasonable person who a) eats a minority of his dinners inside The Ivy and b) prefers to stipulate that all rape is bad. Who knew there would be so few of them?

Thankfully, the issue seems to be bringing about a rare alignment of right and left on the matter of whether child rapists should be allowed to elude punishment due to their celluloid exploits.

I was out of town, and a bit out of the news cycle, when Polanksi was arrested. Having heard about his arrest without reading any of Polanski's defenders, I naively returned to the news cycle assuming there simply was no argument in favor of a man who admitted to raping a 13-year-old. Here's how his victim described it in grand-jury testimony:

Roman Polanski instructed her to get into a jacuzzi naked, refused to take her home when she begged to go, began kissing her even though she said no and asked him to stop; performed cunnilingus on her as she said no and asked him to stop; put his penis in her vagina as she said no and asked him to stop; asked if he could penetrate her anally, to which she replied, "No," then went ahead and did it anyway, until he had an orgasm.

For a place whose over-reliance on stale romantic comedies, remakes of bygone successes, and the bastardizing of cartoon characters is legendary, Hollywood sure has gotten uncharacteristically creative in its defense of one of its own.

For one thing, Hollywood is the capital of compassion, so it's no wonder the rest of America doesn't understand it:

"Hollywood has the best moral compass, because it has compassion," [Harvey] Weinstein said. "We were the people who did the fundraising telethon for the victims of 9/11. We were there for the victims of Katrina and any world catastrophe."

For another, international film festivals are apparently sacrosanct.

For another, Polanksi's victim would rather not see him extradited because she, now grown, does not want to deal with the media attention. While I feel for her, Polanksi became guilty of another crime-against the people of the U.S. and the rule of law-when he skipped out on his punishment 30 years ago.

Hollywood would very much like to excuse him for both crimes, so it can get back to the serious business of fawning over the fugitive child rapist at international film festivals, thus teaching young women rape is only wrong when a non-artiste is violating them, and teaching would-be rapists to pick up a copy of Final Cut Pro.