I Came, I Saw, I Skedaddled
Decisive moments in Barack Obama history.
Sep 16, 2013, Vol. 19, No. 02 • By P. J. O’ROURKE
Chief Executive of Sparta,
illustrations by gary locke
Stand down, men. The chairman of the Greek City States Alliance Joint Chiefs of Staff has indicated to me that our capacity to execute this mission against Xerxes is not time-sensitive.
Julius Barack Caesar Obama
I am crossing the Rubicon. Brrr, the water’s chilly. Deep, too. I’m going for a walk along the riverbank to look for a bridge. And I will cross the Rubicon as soon as the weather warms up. The die has been cast. That is, the deck has been shuffled. Or the Wheel of Fortune has been spun. And I’ll buy a vowel.
Pontius Barack Pilate Obama,
When he saw that he could prevail nothing, but that rather a tumult was made, he took water, and washed his hands before the multitude, saying, “I am innocent of the blood of these just persons, but I’ll ask the Senate back in Rome for authority to do something-or-other, although it may have to wait until after Good Friday.”
Christopher Barack Columbus Obama
Many prominent experts, including Thomas Friedman of the New York Times, maintain that the earth is flat. This is a debate I would like to have. Meanwhile, I have discovered a new route to France.
Shakespeare’s Henry Barack V,
That he which hath no stomach to this fight,
Let him depart. So I’m out of here.
We few, we very few, we hardly any . . .
The Midnight Ride
One if by land, and two if by sea, and three if by air, and four if by drones . . . Or is it two if by land, and one if by sea? . . . However, there will be no deployment of Colonial ground forces. So it’s two if by ship-launched cruise missiles . . . Or is it three if by airstrikes? . . . Anyway, the British aren’t coming.
Col. William Barack Prescott Obama at the Battle of Bunker Capitol Hill
Don’t fire until you see the whites . . . But we should not understand this as a racial issue. We should not understand this as a partisan political issue. We should not understand this as a national issue. This is an international issue. Don’t fire at General Howe’s troops until you see international support. And it doesn’t count if it’s just France.
Arthur Barack Wellesley Obama, Duke of Wellington and the Rose Garden
If there had been a battle, the Battle of Waterloo would have been won on the playing fields of Eton, if there had been a Waterloo.
Sir Winston Barack Churchill Obama
We shall fight on the beaches—mostly on Martha’s Vineyard, where everybody was over Labor Day weekend—we shall fight at the G-20 summit in St. Petersburg, we shall fight at the U.N. Security Council, we shall fight in the House of Representatives and the Senate when Congress is finally back in session; we shall never surrender unless we don’t get enough votes or our poll ratings are low.
Franklin Barack Delano Hussein Roosevelt Obama
We, too, born to freedom, and believing in freedom, are willing to fight to maintain freedom. Sort of. We, and all others who believe as deeply as we do, would rather die on our feet than live on our knees. Sometimes. Unless we’re busy doing yoga and are in the “downward dog” position.
F.B.D.H.R.O., Twitterside Chat
When you see a rattlesnake poised to strike, you do not wait until he has struck before you crush him. You go find other people to crush him for you. But first you try to talk him out of it.
John Barack Fitzgerald
Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill—and since we’re not engaged in nation-building, every nation should wish us well—that we shall pay any price if it’s not too high, bear any burden unless it’s burdensome, meet any hardship unless it’s hard, support any friend if we have any, oppose any foe—although no nation should think of us as a foe because we’re not that kind of country anymore—to assure the survival and success of liberty, unless it’s a holiday weekend.
Apollo 11 Commander Neil Barack Armstrong Obama, July 20, 1969
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